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Bresh's allergic to strawberries.

The last time he ate some he spent two hours squeezing vomit through his swollen gullet, nearly drowning in spit, half-digested food and gastric acid before his father opted to throw him into the car and drive him to the ER. It was a suicide attempt. He knew he would go to hell for this. But Bresh had somehow banked on God not noticing that it wasn't accidental.

Death by strawberry.

He thought that was funny.
Bresh, oh beloved sociopath.
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:iconaealla:
aealla Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I can see a strong beginning of a story here (like God notices that it was intentional but still puts Bresh on Heaven so he can learn a lesson and then Bresh goes on to play pranks on Heaven's residents or something like that).

Of course I wrote this before reading your explanation on the paragraphs, so I assumed they were all from the same point of view :)
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013
Hehe, thank you. That's indeed a cute idea, but I am not apt to write things like that. I like to stay in the harsh reality of things.

Well, they are. They are all how the protagonist perceives, re-tells, relates to his best friend's actions. At first I didn't intend to write the whole Bresh & Turner story like that, but it's more like Turner (I) telling the story of Bresher (he), than Turner relating stories about himself. Even his own experiences are overshadowed by what Bresher has decided for him, since Turner doesn't have the motivation to go out and do stuff, while Bresher is full of energy and drags him along. They are definitely friends, but in a very contorted interpretation of the word.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. :hug:
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:iconaealla:
aealla Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome and you've made me interested in reading more about Turner's and Bresh's stories :)
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Aug 30, 2013   Writer
Hey, i featured this here: fav.me/d6k74dp :D
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:iconredrevanna:
RedRevanna Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2013  Student Writer
For Synergy:
I like this because it's so simple and short, especially the three sentences that stand alone. But I was wondering why he would start a suicide attempt and how he dealed with God. I like the second sentence very much because of the long list. Most of the time it's annying but here it's cool.
The ending is cool, too.
I actually don't know what else to write. It's just good and simple!
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:iconthe-solimnludic:
the-solimnludic Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Synergy critique as well.

I feel like I have seen something like this before, yet I'm not sure what.

I never knew people could be allergic to strawberries! The term "death by strawberry" sounds quite comical, yes! And I love the wordplay you chose for the title - nice touch.

I'm having a small problem with the first sentence in the paragraph. It seems like it should be segmented a little better. And it may be a run-on - it feels awkward in the middle of all the concise sentences you used.
Suggestion:
"The last time he ate some[,] he spent two hours squeezing vomit through his swollen gullet[.] [He] nearly drown[ed] in spit, half-digested food[,] and gastric acid before his father opted to throw him into the car and drive him to the ER."

The images of this part was great though...gave me an unpleasant feeling. :thumbsup:

Hmm, another thing. "It was a suicide attempt" seems like it should go into a separate line of its own. Otherwise, it seems connected with the dad driving his kid to the ER, which was not a suicide attempt.

I think this is a unique piece of prose. I've read things about suicide before, but when someone find a different way to approach it, I find it intriguing. Plus with the formatting it's so easy to understand what you are talking about, because you singled the important sentences into their own line.

Lastly, it never truly confirmed if the Bresh died. That's not a bad thing, I'm just sort of left wondering. Maybe you want the reader to finish this with that question in mind. Maybe you could add a subtle word in to hint at this question...I dunno...
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
I was about to tell you, but since you've given it some thought, I will refrain from it. ;P Thank you for your thorough critique. :rose: I always try to write with the reading flow in mind, but to me, English can still be a harsh grammar mistress.

The paragraphs, though, and their content were consciously chosen. I suppose if it were, indeed, a story in its own right the theme "suicide" might have been the core of the piece. But this was written from the view of Bresher's best friend Turner: Paragraph 1 is Turner relating the fact. Paragraph 2 re-tells what Bresh has told him. Paragraph 3 is a direct Bresher quote (though this is never really stated; it's just something I, as the writer, know); and paragraph 4 is how Turner perceived Bresher's reaction to it all. Fact, action, possible conclusion, protagonist's reacton. I think even if it had been standing for itself, I would have done it this way, since - and I admit this might be a flaw - the theme is only subtly implied, through the characters and the story.
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:iconthe-solimnludic:
the-solimnludic Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Alright, then. Haha, you're very welcome! Ooh, I agree with that!!

Wow, I never saw it that way nor would I have ever guessed that's what you intended. It makes more sense now, thank you for the explanation!
Was this "Turner" mentioned in another piece I don't know about?

(And thanks for the llama!!)
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013
It would appear so. I submitted another story that shows the dynamic between the narrator, Turner, and Bresher.
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:iconthe-solimnludic:
the-solimnludic Featured By Owner Jul 4, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
I see!
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jul 3, 2013
Thank you. I am glad this piece proved popular with you. It's my favourite Bresher short, and it makes me happy to know that others enjoy reading it. As with any good critique, I would say you just made my day. :hug:

Also, I want to comment on your ability to grasp the core elements, analyze them, and write a short and crisp review. The Times couldn't have done a better job encapsulating things. It may be strange to say this about a comment to the actual written piece, but it was a pleasent read.
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013   Writer
I'm also allergic to strawberries! That would've been one hell of a painful death :(
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013
Daw, I'm sorry. That sounds like you have some experience with strawberry-eating-when-you-shouldn't. :( This piece is a short story, but still, I spent a lot of time researching the condition and indeed, it is not something that I would wish on anybody.
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013   Writer
Haha, yeah. I wasn't always allergic to them, then one day when i hadn't had them for a while i used some strawberry scented body wash and i got a really bad rash and i thought it was just the body wash, but then my friend bought me some strawberry scented body spray - also had a bad reaction. Then, i finally ate some strawberries and ended up in A&E! >.<
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013
Ouch. That must have been terrible. I'm glad you came out of it all right. It's a dilemma right there: your body warned you twice, but the signs weren't alarming enough not to trivialize them. The rashes weren't worth seeing a doctor over. Society-induced learned behavior would have told your brain to stuff itself into the hypochondriac's drawer like *finger snip* that. As a more or less inappropriate aside, it would make for a great "Learning by doing" story twist.

Chocolate-coated bananas and bite-sized little melon pieces for you, my friend. :)
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013   Writer
Yep! It's alright though, the only time when being allergic to strawberries annoys me is when my mum buys something that's got strawberries in it and the rest of the family get to have it and i don't! 

Mmmm choc-coated banana is so good! At my uni's end of year ball, there was a chocolate fountain and lots of sweets and pieces to dip in it. Banana was the best! 
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013
I know that feeling. I'm allergic to fruit acids, and my body lacks the means to digest lactose. I don't know what my parents were thinking when they made me a gift of 50 bars of white chocolate and some packs of Daim, "some" being a relative term: i1157.photobucket.com/albums/p... I've given up to try and read into this. =|
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:icondailybreadcafe:
DailyBreadCafe Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013   Writer
Damn, being lactose intolerant must suck...

BUT OH MY GOD I LOVE DAIM, IT'S THE BEST CHOCOLATE EVER.

I'm so jealous! 
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jun 23, 2013
There are a lot of low-lactose products on the market, and you can buy (for good money......) pills that substitute for the missing enzyme; you swallow them right before your great lactose binge and should be all right. :) The same thing cannot be said about an allergy to strawberries. There will always be strawberry in a strawberry.

I would send you three packs of Daim over. I cannot eat them, after all.
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(1 Reply)
:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
Am I sick for finding this funny? I mean, it's sad that the kid tried to kill himself, but... death by strawberry. I couldn't suppress a chuckle. :P
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
Bresh couldn't either, so no worries. You're in the green zone.

Thank you for the :+fav: and the comment. Especially the comment is, as you might have realized by now, most appreciated. :)
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:icontheemptychest:
TheEmptyChest Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
Good. Glad at least Bresh would have agreed with me. :D

You're very welcome, for both. :rose:
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013
Your fantastic work has been featured in Friday Night Features.
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:iconcelvas:
Celvas Featured By Owner Jun 21, 2013
Wow. That's kind of very cool. I don't quite know what to say. Thank you very much.
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:icondreamsinstatic:
dreamsinstatic Featured By Owner Jun 22, 2013
You're welcome.
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