The last time he ate some he spent two hours squeezing vomit through his swollen gullet, nearly drowning in spit, half-digested food and gastric acid before his father opted to throw him into the car and drive him to the ER. It was a suicide attempt. He knew he would go to hell for this. But Bresh had somehow banked on God not noticing that it wasn't accidental.
I've read a fair bit of the literature you've submitted, but this one I've read I think five, maybe six times now. I'm no literature critic and don't know half as much about creative writing as you do, but I'm clearly in complete denial about being drawn to this little story, so I guess it's about time I commented on it.
Firstly, I find it a little mind boggling how you've managed to get so much character and charm into so few words. 'Charm' seems an odd word to use when describing what is essentially a dark subject, but this little story is oddly charming. After only four/five words, I'm already sympathetic.
One of the big points of this that's kept my interest, which I'm sure is intentional by the way, is how you've described Bresh's tempting the fate about going to hell. You've written this part extremely interestingly, especially for someone who reads into things too much, like I do. He 'somehow banked on God not noticing that it wasn't accidental'? This totally screws my brain over with double negatives. If he was banking on God NOT noticing that it WASN'T accidental, he was actually banking on God noticing that it was intentional, and thus sending him to hell? Even in so few lines, I believe your sociopathic (existing word? I'm not sure) character could be meaning it in both ways at once - enjoying the rush of getting away with it, but also wanting it.
The fact that I'm intrigued and entertained enough by your character to be able to think up other things that could happen to him myself tells me that the length of the story is perfect. I love it. It's a great little tale, told honestly with a mildly sick humour. You really should upload more of this sort of thing, I'd read them all for sure.
I can see a strong beginning of a story here (like God notices that it was intentional but still puts Bresh on Heaven so he can learn a lesson and then Bresh goes on to play pranks on Heaven's residents or something like that).
Of course I wrote this before reading your explanation on the paragraphs, so I assumed they were all from the same point of view
Hehe, thank you. That's indeed a cute idea, but I am not apt to write things like that. I like to stay in the harsh reality of things.
Well, they are. They are all how the protagonist perceives, re-tells, relates to his best friend's actions. At first I didn't intend to write the whole Bresh & Turner story like that, but it's more like Turner (I) telling the story of Bresher (he), than Turner relating stories about himself. Even his own experiences are overshadowed by what Bresher has decided for him, since Turner doesn't have the motivation to go out and do stuff, while Bresher is full of energy and drags him along. They are definitely friends, but in a very contorted interpretation of the word.
Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.
For Synergy: I like this because it's so simple and short, especially the three sentences that stand alone. But I was wondering why he would start a suicide attempt and how he dealed with God. I like the second sentence very much because of the long list. Most of the time it's annying but here it's cool. The ending is cool, too. I actually don't know what else to write. It's just good and simple!
I feel like I have seen something like this before, yet I'm not sure what.
I never knew people could be allergic to strawberries! The term "death by strawberry" sounds quite comical, yes! And I love the wordplay you chose for the title - nice touch.
I'm having a small problem with the first sentence in the paragraph. It seems like it should be segmented a little better. And it may be a run-on - it feels awkward in the middle of all the concise sentences you used. Suggestion: "The last time he ate some[,] he spent two hours squeezing vomit through his swollen gullet[.] [He] nearly drown[ed] in spit, half-digested food[,] and gastric acid before his father opted to throw him into the car and drive him to the ER."
The images of this part was great though...gave me an unpleasant feeling.
Hmm, another thing. "It was a suicide attempt" seems like it should go into a separate line of its own. Otherwise, it seems connected with the dad driving his kid to the ER, which was not a suicide attempt.
I think this is a unique piece of prose. I've read things about suicide before, but when someone find a different way to approach it, I find it intriguing. Plus with the formatting it's so easy to understand what you are talking about, because you singled the important sentences into their own line.
Lastly, it never truly confirmed if the Bresh died. That's not a bad thing, I'm just sort of left wondering. Maybe you want the reader to finish this with that question in mind. Maybe you could add a subtle word in to hint at this question...I dunno...
I was about to tell you, but since you've given it some thought, I will refrain from it. Thank you for your thorough critique. I always try to write with the reading flow in mind, but to me, English can still be a harsh grammar mistress.
The paragraphs, though, and their content were consciously chosen. I suppose if it were, indeed, a story in its own right the theme "suicide" might have been the core of the piece. But this was written from the view of Bresher's best friend Turner: Paragraph 1 is Turner relating the fact. Paragraph 2 re-tells what Bresh has told him. Paragraph 3 is a direct Bresher quote (though this is never really stated; it's just something I, as the writer, know); and paragraph 4 is how Turner perceived Bresher's reaction to it all. Fact, action, possible conclusion, protagonist's reacton. I think even if it had been standing for itself, I would have done it this way, since - and I admit this might be a flaw - the theme is only subtly implied, through the characters and the story.
Alright, then. Haha, you're very welcome! Ooh, I agree with that!!
Wow, I never saw it that way nor would I have ever guessed that's what you intended. It makes more sense now, thank you for the explanation! Was this "Turner" mentioned in another piece I don't know about?
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